Learning to Live with Hope: Day 2

  This morning I woke up and got ready for my day as always.  Shower, get dressed, wake up kids, eat breakfast, out the door...  So what, you ask?  Why does this matter and why is she writing about it?  I suppose I am feeling the effects of Survivors Guilt.  I don't feel right getting up and going about my day as usual.  I don't know what else I would be doing but shouldn't I be doing something different? 
    As I said in my last post, Amy and I weren't on a talk-every-single-day routine, so no, I'm not missing that.  I am, however, struggling to do the everyday things that just plain don't matter right now.  Last night I organized my closet and put away laundry.  In the end does that stuff matter?  NO!  Spending time with my kids, yes, that absolutely matters.  I did do my best to not be distracted when we were together last night and tried my best not to nit pick at the stupid things.  Let them be kids.  Man, did Amy love spending time with my kids.  Macy cried last night out of nowhere because she suddenly realized she wouldn't get to play with her again.  Another moment of heartbreak.
    I guess the overarching theme of this post is "what really matters?"  Along with living with hope each day I want so much to live for what matters.  Sure, having a clean house does wonders for my sanity, but does it matter if every single toy gets put away every night?  No.  Does it matter if I get every load of laundry done and put away?  No.  Does it matter that my house is clean so we don't get sick?  Well,  yeah.  One of the last conversations Amy and I had was when we both got home from a weekend away.  We were both bragging about how wonderful it was to be covered in dog (and cat) hair surrounded by chaotic mess.  It felt good to be home with our loved ones and critters.  I'm sure we both get funny glances thrown at us for having all kinds of critters, but you know what?  We don't care!  Those fur babies bring us joy.  They love us no matter what.  No matter our moods or bad days.  That and they seem to know exactly when you need them most.
    I have also been thinking a lot about my job.  To say were are blessed to have a great employer is an understatement.  We are downright spoiled.  But what I am questioning is whether the stress of the little things matters.  We all say we keep our work life at work so it doesn't disturb our home life, but do we?  Over the past few weeks I have been swamped and stressed.  Too many deadlines, too many events, too many stupid details.  How many moments did I miss with my kids those evenings and weekends I worked instead of played?  Did I let the stress strain my relationship with my husband?  Did I take my moods out on him? (He would say absolutely yes!)  So, what really matters?  Those stupid details exactly as I want or those moments and memories I could have made.  To be really honest with you my biggest regret is that I was too busy during all of this to talk to Amy.  She called and I missed it.  No, I won't dwell on that, but it does create a great deal of guilt.
    Yesterday I did as I promised, I laughed and smiled.  I have an incredible group of friends at work that can make me smile and laugh without any extra effort.  I'm so grateful for them.  I had that pang of guilt for laughing and smiling because Amy is gone, but then I realized she was happier in those moments knowing that I'd be okay.  I even giggled at a silly dogs versus Roombas video I found on Facebook.  She would be happy for that.  She loved those videos too.
   Goal for today: stop feeling guilty.  My uncle told me over and over the other day "Life goes on and we have to continue living.  We can't stop.  We have to live on for them."  Thanks Uncle Jim.